February 5th 2020

Thoughts

I don't know what hides inside anymore,
I can't tell, it won't say.
I don't know what I should reach out to do,
Is something to be done ?

What does it mean to hurt ?
What does it mean to be hurt ?
Are we bound in our own chains ?
Are all that we are just insignificant NPC's in everyone elses world ?

Is there anything that hides inside ? Does it matter ?
Does it hurt ? Is it our choice to hurt ?
Are there really chains ? Bound or Afraid ?
The truth is, I may never know.

Reflecting On A Decade

As the decade inches towards its inevitable end, it presents an interesting opportunity to put some of my thoughts down. The 2010’s have been a wild ride for me, I literally lived through at least one Apocalypse scare (anyone remember 2012? That was a load of fun). I’ve had so many kinds of experiences that looking back, I have no idea how it all happened. Admittedly there were as many sour memories and experiences as there were great ones, but I don’t really have anything that I really really want to go back in time to change. I feel that all these experiences have been enlightening to me regardless of their intent and impact.

In the 2010’s I went from a teenager who didn’t quite have a clue as to what he was doing when he decided to pursue his higher education and was pretty much winging it the whole way, into the middle(ish) 20s young adult that I am today, and really, I still don’t think I have the foggiest idea of what I am doing at times, just that I got better at going with whatever happens I suppose.

In the 2010’s I learned a lot more about myself, and I feel that was the biggest takeaway for me. I also managed to push myself and achieve things that I never imagined I would have been able to do. I managed to train and commit myself to play rugby at one of the higher levels of the game in Malaysia, I managed to play the game in Indonesia as well. I’ve met so many great people while playing the game, and I’ve learned so much from it. Rugby has been one of the most important teachers I’ve had in my life especially when it comes to heart. In the 2010’s I’ve come back from injuries big and small and I really honestly think that it has helped shape my attitude towards coming back from setbacks and failures.

In the 2010’s, I also have done quite a number of things that have helped formed the way I look at things. I’ve been an insurance agent, a door to door salesman, I’ve tried running my own business, I’ve had a go at my own clothing line, Organized some slick events, Debated my ass off, Split myself into many pieces trying to juggle a personal life, a social life, my studies, and all the other things I wanted to do. I’ve tried out things and figured out that I am not too great at some stuff (or rather, pretty horrible at them), and also found some things that despite not being too great at doing, I just enjoyed my time doing it.

Of course, no decade is complete without romance, drama relating to the people around you and other people matters. Hey, I discovered how it was like to be loved, cherished, appreciated, and of course I also had the opportunity to experience heartbreak, being cheated on, being under appreciated and taken advantage of. When it comes to friendships, I’m blessed to have a solid network of friends around me, who seem to have no problem with the stop start nature of how I socialize and I am glad for it. I am really appreciative of them and all my other friends who have been around me and helped prop me up when I was down. I’ve also been let down and disappointed in the people around me, ranging from those that never keep their word, to those who borrow money and put off paying it back with no guilt. And all that jazz.

I can’t talk about relationships and the people around me without mentioning the fact that I have learned so much from my peers, my bosses, the people around me who have the same pains and the same passions. This is especially true when I made the transition from all that I did prior into a pathway which was primarily to do with data and technology. I didn’t have the same starting point as a lot of people, and I am really glad for the people around me to have helped me grow along the way, as much as I am conscious that without my own effort, nothing could happen, I am also aware enough to say that without these people, I would almost definitely not be near my where I am, and I am glad to say that with them I will continue to grow fast.

I’ve also discovered throughout the decade, that sometimes it’s just about incrementally growing. It’s crazy how little I realized its impact when I was younger. It doesn’t matter in what sense you make the incremental gains, if you started saving and investing at the start of the 2010’s, you’d have seen a little mountain at the end of it. If you focused on learning and growing your knowledge, just compare yourself to the you of 2009/2010 and you’d realize so much has changed even when you didn’t feel anything change. Even when it comes to fitness (this one I fail regularly), if you make incremental progress, it’s still progress. You get better, you get stronger, even in small increments. It doesn’t matter how small a step you take, as long as you take it, as often as you can. Time will show you what you deserve.

I honestly think the decade has gifted me with so much to take away, so much for me to look back and learn from, things to do, and things to make sure I never do again. I found out more about the people I can put my trust in, those that I should never turn my back to, and the people you can only trust to do certain things, and expecting too much is just a pain on yourself.

Honestly, I could go on and on about the past decade, but as we enter the new decade, I’m happy to say that I am in a loving relationship. That I have sort of found a direction. That I’ve committed of growing a bit better every day in one way or the other. And that I really should get back in shape.

Thank you everyone for being a part of my life this past decade, whether you have given me great memories or horrible ones. I hope that the future brings the best for both you and I, whether it may be for us to stay in touch or for us to never speak again.

Thanks 2010s, Let’s see what the 2020s has to offer !

April 1st

I'll chase back all the backlog for all the content I didn't deliver eventually for the year. That means about 12 more posts I guess. Anyways, here's one that came to mind quite recently. I wouldn't say it's any good at all but I do have to keep writing to keep in somewhat practice.

Stagnant

The days pass akin to a steady stream,
The light of day, the dark of night,
Holding on to things long past in dreams,
Lost the will to remember the days plight.

Once upon a time, there was a strong passion,
Now left with but a sense of apathy,
Plagued by a self-image of constant derision,
Yet unable to fight a sense of lethargy.

Feeling as if a candle burnt out too soon,
And plagued by a fear of failure I hoped that would never come,
Turned me into a man stuck in my cocoon,
Never realizing that what's not grasped will be gone.

At heart knowing the things done wrong,
Pride pushing away all good intent,
I hope one day this will be but a thing far gone,
Or else forever will I stay, stagnant.

Week 3

Post for week 3 of January. Trying to keep my weekly thing going. I hope you somewhat enjoy.





Buried in blissful excess,
Living in hedonism unsuprassed,
We glorify ignorance in the masses,
As we live without care of actions past.

Driven by want and forgetting need,
Pretending to be saints, but living in greed,
Always living with endless motivation,
Doomed to never find satisfaction.

Poisoned by what we see,
Never realized, we are just lost at sea,
Always wanting what the world wants,
The you inside just left to haunt.

Week 2

Just an attempt at writing, prompted by the word senectitude, which translates into old age. I don't think it's any good, but I want to have it out here as to commit to writing and tracking the changes in my writing if there is any improvement.

If you read, do tell me what you think.

Week 2 Attempt.

As I live apathetically into senectitude,
A part of an inane hive, typically in solitude,
The days pass, almost imperceptibly,
Just like grass, suddenly already hitting maturity.

The old adage of old is gold, echoes hollow in today's society,
Thinking we are chasing prosperity, finding ourselves in austerity,
Treating life as though it is an endless kindle,
Not realizing it is merely akin to a candle.

Many amongst us lie and claim our lives fulfilling,
But honestly if we were to die, would we say we live fulfilled,
Trapped in the pursuit of mindless pleasure,
Often never seeing life's true treasures.

As I write aimlessly about my observations as I go into senectitude,
I try my best to thrive, I try my best to realign my attitude,
To change what would pass, through living optimistically,
But alas, this intention might pass into obscurity.

A Decade Of IR

It's been awhile since I wrote anything in this blog, but I felt that as the year 2017 is heading to its close, it is a perfect time to wrap up the past 10 years for me in the context of this blog. This blog was never something that I wanted to dedicated my life into and it mainly served as an avenue for me to continuously practice my writing and slowly grow what talent I had in that field and try to keep in practice. Obviously with my update activity in the past few years, it hasn't been doing its job. Part of the reason that his has happened has to do with the fact that I slowly transitioned into paper and pen writing and the lion share of what I write these days happen to be penned down instead of being added to any online medium, well apart from a few times I submitted my work for review, had it on instagram or generally have people comment on my latest work.

I feel that as the years gone by, my writing style has evolved and took a variety of twists and turns but the best option for me today is to begin once more to write into this blog as I feel that attempting to write something weekly, or even monthly, would do wonders for my discipline. As a writer, I feel that in terms of the growth of my writing, I have slowly stepped away from being too dark but I keep drifting back in to that sort of writing as it suits me best. That being said, I feel that the style just fits as I personally think that the most comfortable style of writing is the one for me. On this note I would like to announce to my ghost audience that for the decade celebration of the blog, that I will commit to writing the blog properly once again. To be honest this is more to do with trying to build discipline in myself and to a certain extent, repay the support that I have received over the years with this blog matter how little it was.

But as this post is also coincidental to the end of 2017, I'd like to touch upon the year for me as well as talk in brief about the other years. A more in depth view of my years will of course be done on another blog I will launch in the new year.

2017 for me has been a year where I found myself dealing with a lot of failure in terms of work. I had joined a company but couldn't make ends meet there. It was also a year that as a rugger, I did not achieve the heights I could and took a very long sabbatical to try my best at work. I have also seen my share of weddings, crippling injuries and deaths. Both joy and sorrow was a huge part of my year which made it very eventful. I have found myself exposed to a variety of new experiences and struggles and I have gained a new appreciation for sales people and the tough life of door to door salesman. Towards the end of the year I have also been invited to join hands with my friends and launch a new company. Hopefully that works out well.

But more on my writing, I'd like to point that again, I have done a lot of writing in a book and I shall slowly edit and publish pieces which I feel are better on average. Of course, I also might drop back to writing in my book again, but I hope that I can keep on track. In terms of the years that past, I have once had someone do me the favor of compiling it into a pdf and I might one day share that as well. There are also instances that I have written things offhand that I might put up as well. I believe that I have to try my best to make a tangible difference to what I have done so far.

The past 10 years have been a very eventful time for me but this blog wont be the place for it to be showcased. I will hopefully cover all of it in my other blog and commit myself to slowly becoming better as a whole but especially as a writer. The time frame that has been covered in these ten years covers a rather eventful part of my life covering from when I was fifteen all the way to this year where I have officially passed the quarter-centurion mark of my life. Wrapping it up, 2017 has been good and bad but it's been eventful and I feel blessed for the many things I have been through. I would like to thank everyone that was a part of my 2017 in real life as well as online.

On a side note, I have started drafting a sci-fi esque world and hopefully 2018 I will make headway into writing lore and short stories into it.

Thanks everyone for reading, I hope you guys will bear with me the following years to come and that we grow together.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year and that as we bid Father Time goodbye and thank him for the year, we welcome Baby New Year into our arms and nurture him well.

Best Regards,
Elethor

As Seconds, Minutes and Hours,
Very Little Is Seen Or Can Be Done,
In Days, Weeks and Months,
The Things We Do Show Their Results,
In Years, Decades And A Lifetime,
We Are Left Fond Memories, Pride and Regrets.

As Time Flows, The Things We Do and Don't Accumulate,
The One Line You Read, The Words You Never Said,,
Time So Rigid,, So Fair, It Seems Unfair,
Once It Has Passed You By, Never Again,
As We Sit And Ponder What We Should Have Done,
We Oft Forget, Now Is The Moment We Can.

The Impermanence Of Life Oft Forgotten,
Only The Lingering Affection Of Days Past Remain,
An Innumerable Number Of Possibilities Ahead,
Yet What's Past Captivates Us Most,
These Words Are Mine For Me,
As They Are From Me To You. 

P.S, I Am Very Out Of Practice.

The Immortal Post Two

There is very little that stands out about this day, perhaps save the seemingly perfection of it. The sun's rays gently sharing its life giving warmth to the world. The gentle music of birds, singing their birdsong as if celebrating the day. The atmosphere seemed almost overwhelmingly unnatural in that sense. Of course, perfection doesn't last forever, and those that missed the moment to the ever enchanting tendrils of sleep would have missed it all.

The sounds of a town coming alive, the sounds of life begin slowly began to pour forth from the formerly silent surroundings. The song of the birds fade slowly, till seem as if they were just imagined all along. Like a scene from any place in the world, the people round this town got to their business of living.

At a house like every other house, with a small garden in front of the porch, a man opens the door. He is dressed rather casually for the day. A casual collared top, jeans with sneakers. If you were to bump into him, you'd have wondered what it was he was up to this day. A youthful looking face, a little under 6 foot tall and a fit body, it seemed it was equally likely he was off to work or college. And it wouldn't have seemed out of place if he was just out for a walk, with nothing in particular to do on this day.

He steps out, making sure to lock the door behind him and takes out a cigarette. Looking round he decides to sit on a chair that was placed next to a table by the door. The table was made of wood, nothing too fancy but sturdy. On it, there was a aluminium tray, the surface of it covered in what seemed to be black spots. Almost anyone would know immediately it was an ashtray of course, but if one didn't see the remnants and marks of the ash, they'd think it was a kind of a place where snacks would be put.

Relaxing into his seat, he pats his pockets and finds what he is looking for, a pack of matches. Muttering to himself, words seeming unintelligible, he strikes the match and lights his smoke. The first drag, it seemed as if he was taking as much in as he could as he could inhale. The cigarette left his lips and he seemed to stare off into space. He breathed out the smoke slowly, taking the opportunity to fully embrace the moment. There seemed to be no air of urgency around this man at all. He just sat there, seemingly savoring every bit of his morning treat.

Before long, the embers crept up to the filter, and the man put out the cigarette on the ashtray. He stood up, stretched out and took a deep breath. As he exhaled, a keen eye would see his body settle into an extremely relaxed state. Deliberately slow, he began walking down the path to the side of the street and off he went on a walk.

Though it seemed he had no purpose, there was a definite destination. He walked leisurely and seemed to be in no rush. He picked out a path that would take him into town by passing the local school. As he enjoyed his walk, the crowds slowly began to fill the streets. Some were dressed in office clothes, heading into town for work. Looking sharp in a well pressed shirt, slacks and matching tie. Some were parents walking their children to school. Some of the older kids were walking in their groups, content without their parents to shepherd them to school.

It was a normal day by any definition. The man walked and walked, and as he neared the school, he saw a father and his child by the school gate. The man seemed to be comforting the child whose face was as if it was close to tears. The man paused in his step as he looked upon that scene.

~~~

It seemed but a few short moments ago,
My child, you had been reluctant, but relented.
I remember the warmth that was your hand,
You were afraid, but you were brave.

It seemed time flew by too fast,
My child, you were young, and you grew.
I saw every moment, I hope I had done enough,
Your father can't share all, but I wish it was enough.

I remember watching from among the crowd,
My child, I saw you weep, I must apologize.
From afar, I watched you age, I wish it was a lie,
And one day, I was the one weeping.

~~~

I snapped out of my brief day dreaming. I knew that I shouldn't have stared. I walked up to the pair and smiled warmly to the father.

"What seems to be the problem" I said to him.

The father responded as if tired, "He doesn't want to go to school, he forgot to do his homework"

A scene that seemed so familiar yet strangely distant. I turned to the child, a young boy of about 9 years of age. It really did seem like he forgot, and felt really bad about it, you could see the tears that barely checked themselves wet his eyes. "I'm not sure what's your name, but I do know one thing. If you go to school today, and honestly apologized to your teacher, she won't scold you. You might have to work on it straight away but I don't think she can be upset with you" I said to the boy.

The child looked to his father and then to me, once more to his father and back to me. He mumbled to me, "That's what dad sad, but I don't believe him. She's scary and mean.". I looked at his father who seemed to be at his wits end as to what he should do. It seemed to be it was his first child, if he had others he would have handled it like a pro.

I looked to the child, smiling the warmest smile I could, "Alright kid, I am sure she won't scold you but if she does, you make your dad get you a present, or you can come and bug me for ice cream or something. How's that ?". The child seemed to calm down at that, he turned to his dad and said, "Really, can I do that Dad?". The father, picking up on the hint, immediately answer in the affirmative. The child seemed to be happy with this and started to walk into the compound. As he was about to enter, he turns to me and shouts "You better promise me Mister, if she scolds me you owe me Ice Cream !". I chuckled at that and shouted back, "It's a deal !" as I waved him off.

I started to make a move and get back to my walk, but the father stopped me. "Thank you, I seemed to have blanked out for a bit there and didn't know what to do. You were a great help. What is your name Sir ?". I smiled at him and said "No problem, it was nothing much. It's normal, its always easier to butt into someone else's problems and help than it ever is to solve your own. I'm Ezekiel Azuma, but you can just call me Zeke. Anyways, I have to be off, there is somewhere I need to be."

"Thank you again Zeke, hopefully I can return the favor sometime. I hope not to keep you. It's been a pleasure meeting you." he said smiling. "And I you, may we meet again soon !" I replied as I began walking off.

I arrived at my destination not too long after, a homely looking cafe. It's somewhere that I frequent quite often. It has a good cook and the coffee is pretty good. They don't smokers that much as well, and they have an indoor smoking area. Perfect for someone like me. The door sign said open, so I let myself in and waved to the staff that by now, I was very familiar with. I walked over to the smoking area, and found a seat at a corner, one of the few tables in that part of the cafe.

The waitress walked over bringing a cup and holding a flask at what I could only guess at being coffee. With a warm smile, she put the cup on a saucer plate from the table and poured me a cup. "What are you having today Zeke ?" she asked in a tone that managed give off a warm professional feel.

"I'm thinking something classic, hmm, how about toast, sausages and scrambled eggs. The usual set I mean". I said, and I noted as she scribbled down the order on a pad of paper she had retrieved from her breast pocket. "Would that be all ?" she said and I nodded in the affirmative. She nodded back, smiled and brought the flask with her back to the counter. Well, you can always ask for more coffee here, and they were nice enough to leave the creamers, milk and sugar on the table for us to decide how we like our drink. I took a few teaspoons of sugar and mixed it into my coffee.

I pulled out my pack of smokes, fumbled for a cigarette and was about to light till I noticed there wasn't an ashtray on the table. I was about to raise my hand and ask for one but I saw the waitress from before coming to the table with an ashtray. I smiled at her and said, "You read my mind". She just smiled, waving it off with the words "Of course I'd know how a regular acts".

She left to start waiting on everyone else. I paid no more mind, and I lit my cigarette, I took the first puff in a long drag. I feel the smoke as it passed my lips and rushes down my throat into my lungs. I hold it for a brief moment and let it out really slowly. Enjoying the little things keeps me sane I suppose.

I took a sip of the coffee. Sweet, just the way I enjoyed it best, and I let my mind wander once more, Moments like this are the best to kick back and just let the mind do as it pleases.

~~~

The taste of raw flesh,
The warm blood flowing out of my mouth,
It wasn't long before I began cooking it,
It seemed to taste so much better than before.

Before the rise, there was life,
After the rise, we saw growth,
No other animal indulges in cooking,
And no other species has been so hedonistic. 

I remember my early meals, I don't want to,
I had no purpose for nutrition,
Nor sleep, nor water.
I just wanted to feel like all the others.

Before man, I had tried to bond with animals,
Before man, much did I long for company,
Before man, to eat was to feel like I was trying to survive,
After man, it was beyond that, and I lusted flavor.

~~~

The End

I hope you guys like the direction this is taking. Do tell me what you think in the comments !

The Immortal Post One

The Immortal 

Life without an end,

A hope that exists in all Humanity,

Allow Me to be Eternal,

The Great Dream of those that are Mortal.

From days beyond memory,

Till the days beyond comprehension,

I have existed, and shall exist,

Cursed to never end, and never forget.

From the time of nothing, I wandered,

Alive but not living, Aware but not awake,

I know now it was my one blessing,

For that numbness was never meant to last.

The rise of man, the world changers,

As they began their pitiful existence, I was changed,

That numbness, my normalcy, began crumbling down,

Though I felt before, I realize this was something more.

I watched them, 

I cared for them,

I walked among them,

I buried them.

In the millennia I existed,

These men existed for but a blink,

In the millennia I existed,

This was the first I felt loss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awoke to the sounds of cars and the warmth of the morning sun gently caressing me as I greeted the world. That memory once more of a time before time, In a land that would seem bizarrely alien to those around me, I had began my journey. It seemed that my curse would never let me go.

"Well then, let's be off for today" I thought to myself

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were many things in the world that is oft overlooked as it becomes common, and in the world, many of the sweetest things that are will eventually lose its magic. Look back to the joy of a child as they see the first snowflake of winter, or the look on travelers as they visit National Monuments that exist in your city, the same ones that you relegated to being unimportant. The miracle of life, the light of passion that burns in the eyes of your fellows. The very act of living can lose its meaning slowly and surely as life slowly batters an individual and batter down the very resolve that made what was once proud to follow.

In a world such as this, in a city like any other there lives an individual who has lived longer than imaginable, but looking in his late 20's. Unassuming, relatively reserved and hardly anything standing out about him, he lives his life with what seems to be an unnaturally balanced bearing. Neither looking to help others nor ignoring them, helping all he sees but never seeming particularly pleased with himself. There seems to be a certain something about this individual, but there also seems to be not much at all, and the collective community has taken to accepting him as is.

In a day, like any other day our story will begin, or rather, carry on.

Notes

I'm still working out how best to approach the writing of the story, from whose perspective, and how best to bring to life a story. I thank all the people who have pushed me to begin and really remind me how bad I got from the lack of practice.

Well, let's hope you enjoy my writing journey with me.

Appreciation To Everyone

Allow me a moment to thank everyone that comes back to read this even after two years of the blog being silent. I have migrated to pen and paper as my major medium to let out, however this series of writings are meant to be written and shared, to see how far I can take this concept.

I won't be gunning for long flowing pieces of literature, but I shall commit to writing bits and pieces consistently and let them slowly add up to being a whole.

That being said today is a light introduction to the concept I want to run with for a while. They will not be chronological nor are they set in stone yet. Concepts will change with time and if in the end, I'll try and arrange it in a manner that allows it to be read more clearly.

I would appreciate feedback in any shape or form !

Scribbling on the walls.

Reaction, Judgement.

What is believed our right,

Never the other's.

Freely discriminate, generalize, stereotype,

Look simply and never critically,

Judge and condemn,

But never understand.

Discriminated, generalized, stereotyped,

We moan we are not the same,

Judged and condemned,

We claim ignorance.

Fail, fall and never rise,

Not because we have failed,

Because others tear us down,

We are aggrieved.

Fail to do, and things crumble,

Not our fault for failure,

But the fault of others for failing to help,

We are aggrieved.

No one looks, no one acknowledges,

We tried our best, not our fault,

But the fault of others for being better,

We are aggrieved.

Rise on the back of others,

We are successful now,

Nobody helped us,

We are proud.

Take advantage of, lie to, profit from,

We now stand taller than ever before,

This was only us, no one else,

We are prouder still

When told we are wrong, we never are,

When told we are right, we always were,

Afraid of failure and error,

Fail to realize neither is the same.

Never bend, Never break, Never falter,

How can it be bad ?

For us to never listen to understand,

Only to listen to reply and make wrong.

Never us, Never us,

This speaks not of us,

It speaks of others still,

Do we never realize ?

Nothing

What strikes you hardest and knocks you lowest,

Is not to never try and never fail,

Nor is it to fail when you try your hardest,

But when you reach and claw your way,

And with all in reach and nothing stopping you.

And for you in that moment to let go,

And let it crash to the floor,

Shattering what you held after so long,

It is not the feeling of failure that fills you,

No words find form.

Trash, lash out, cry, scream,

Do everything to anyone or anything,

Nothing will change, nor will you feel relieved,

You had it, yet never did and never will.

Tragic, time never looks back.

___

Allow me to illustrate, imagine your goal and imagine every step of the way. Now as time moves slow and only ever forwards, you work and you toil. You fail and fall but always stand up. You struggle and you fight and never once do you consider the failure as complete. Imagine with every passing moment you struggle ever closer to your dream, and imagine every hardship you pass changes you just that little bit. And on this course you keep till the day comes when you finally can achieve what you hope to achieve or do what you want to do, be it a holiday or new job, children or surprise, so long as it was something you cherish and had worked for.

And at the moment where the summation of all that you have done and you have in your hand, you let it slip, be it due to the moment or maybe the events that you had passed will change you beyond being able to have what you wanted. You realize that the moment has passed. You just cannot change what happened. In the very moment that you would so have loved and appreciated it most, you lose it yourself and rip it away from yourself. And nothing can change that.

Because time only goes forward.

Allow that to sink in for a moment. There is nothing else to blame but yourself. Only that which you have done, that which you have failed to do, that which you chose not to do, the choices you made and the final action. It's a journey that finds the most breaking ending that you can have. It's just rather depressing, isn't it ? Rather disappointing no ? 

Reflex, rational, well thought or instinctual. Action, Inaction. Each and every one of these things will change what lays in front of us. A product of choice and experience, of decisions made and avoided, of influencing and being influenced. Is that not what we are ? And to finally have what we desire most and have it ripped away and none of these things matter because you were the fool. Isn't it just grand ?

I haven't typed anything up in ages, but it seems I still reek of a madman.

Frustrated Insanity

There is a facade that exists for no other reason than it does. A society that thrives on misinformation, malice and fallacies. Institutions of education and bastions of intellectual discussion brought to their knees. A society that claims to be cultured and caring obsessed with being holier than thou in it's day to day interaction but within closed door an entirely new society exists.

Every day when people go out and interact with others, there will always be a smile, a curt greeting and a seemingly honest on one's day. Veils of tolerance and indifference to social ills, a seemingly humane and loving society that is built to show care. But far too often that it remains a mere facade of every day life. The moment an individual finds themselves in a far more secure environment,  then all veils are thrown aside. First come the accusations of fault in character, than the assumptions of fault in action. Every action driven by a need to prove one superior to another. What does this accomplish ? Does this show an individual is indeed better than the other because the other has presumably done something of dubious origins ? Or does it merely show that we are yet merely trash that bothers not with the effort of overcoming the chains that ties us to mediocrity. Look pass what the actions of other's are and look to what your actions are, the moment you can stand to answer for what you have said and done is the moment that defines you as an individual worthy of recognition. But if you only stand to take credit for the good and ignore the fact that you have indeed done something worthy of ire and pretend it is the fault of others, then you are no worse than trash of society.

What good do you have going for you when all you do is criticize them behind their backs, on social media, in your diary. Would you see change from when they don't know what change is needed ? Why do you then look at those who do willingly point out what they dislike, what needs changing or what they inwardly think and unafraid to show, with disdain and condemn them.to your screwed standards of right and wrong which makes it seem as if you feel yourself always right and always good to judge. The paradox of life that you live in, you criticize those that criticize others. How noble does that seem to make you, a protector of the weak. 

Nevermind the fact that protecting the weak is an insult to those as if they are so fragile, as if they do not have the ability. But you show them that they are in the right, that it is okay to remain as ignorant and stupid as they are, and you fight for them condemning the ones that actively try to correct them, and you build an umbrella for them to hide under the pretense that they are learning when truth is they are no longer bothered, they give up, they sell themselves short. They settle for mediocrity because we do not force them to accept the challenge and fight for their best. 

But we are a polite society, and it seems fair to leave them as it is, the ones who are great stopped caring as they realized, it doesn't matter if the stupid, the foolish and the ones that do not want to succeed stay that way, because it makes life easier for the great.

After all, not all of society can be leaders.

A random string of thought

Do what you feel you must do,
Believe what you believe is right,
Speak what you feel needs spoken,
Think what needs to be thought.

Write what needs writing,
Love what needs loving,
Act as you should act,
And never lie as best you can.

Care less about what other's think,
Care more what your heart says,
Temper more with your mind,
Not temper your mind with your temper.

Smile when angry,
Courteous when spoken rudely to,
Graceful when people around you are clumsy,
And treat others as you should be treated.

Take responsibility for your actions,
Don't be involved in others.
Stand firm with what you've done,
And never let someone make it seem wrong.

Find no fault in other's difference,
And have confidence in yours,
Have no qualms with others,
And stay true to yourself.

Work for what you want,
Never ask for what you will regret,
Remember nothing is your right,
And find humility when you're not rewarded

Let your mind wander
And write down what is wondered,
May others find coherence,
In places you find none.

Musings

Life isn't merely a day to day experience of one on one interaction.
Life isn't merely a brief experience that an action has no consequence.
And life isn't an experience where inaction won't lead to ill consequence.
Life is a journey and each decision you make are the roads you choose to cross.
And every road you choose to cross, you can turn back but you can't erase the fact you took the road you didn't want to choose.
And often there will be a time where the road you travel might seem at first preferable, but the road that cuts off the side that you could ignore, bears the most fruit.
Life is a journey with an end, and to that end we should lead our lives.
Because do we truly want to arrive at the destination with no clear indication that you have lived your life following your vocation, and without any distraction that you made the wrong choice.
Could we truly calmly pass, when He calls us, we have time to yet again regret that there was something we should have chanced.
Innately curiosity drives mankind and at the end our curiosity will be that which we truly have to face.

Why should we have feared taking the path that bears the chance of most fruit, and continue down a path that bears none.
Though many have said why chance failure when you can have mediocrity to which I answer, Why choose to fail without first trying to succeed
Life doesn't arrange itself in a pattern for you to discern, but akin to chess, it begins alike and there will a countless way to end, and only a matter of choices you make, the moves you chooe that will lend itself to that finality.
Why do we give ourselves so fully to ease and despair, yet not grab the hope for happiness.
Why keep what should not be kept and fill ourselves with grief.
Why must we fear fulfilling our potential.
And why must we perceive not achieving it as failure ?
Is it not the greatest failure to have never tried to reach ?
To leave oneself with no indication of potential or the inclination to succeed ?
Why is a journey so short be filled with so little when so much is there in reach.

Forever is unfeasible to imagine but imagine that as best you can,
and imagine yet the regret you will have,
if not only do you say no,
and have no heart to act true,
What an unending life could mean for you.
A shadow, bitter and cursing at the world.
For your own choice and your own wrongs.
For never doing what needds be done.

Yet again an insane man rambles on inanely.
Not to be heard nor given heed.

The Insane Man With A Nightingale

A man who many regard as insane, always lashing out and always angry. The man was always left alone, because no one who was sane would ever befriend such a man. Every day he would sit out on the porch of his house, throwing profanities at those that passed, seemingly never happy with anything or anyone. And when he returned to the safety of the four walls of his house, he indulged in a perverted sense of the arts.A mockery of painting was what laid bare on the canvas , though not mockery to all, merely an insight to insane art. Words of a story, not quite with a beginning nor quite an end lay meaningless on crumpled pieces of paper that no man paid heed. He was never satisfied with the art that he crafted and his dissatisfaction lead to anger, and further and further to insanity.

It was not long, before he stopped going onto the porch, stop shouting profanities, things he needed never seem needed and it was just him, slipping more and more into the inescapable valley of insanity. Late one evening, as day turned to night, as he lay staring into the ceiling of his home, he heard but a gentle tap on his window. Once, twice, and yet once more . Giving it no thought, he went for his window, unlocked it and peered outside. After all, he was quite insane. In came rushing a single bird, brown with a reddish tail, past the man and straight into the room, startled, the man closed the window and started looking for the bird.

Where he found this bird most surprised him, the bird was staring at his painting, looking over it much akin to a great artist were to see art. And the bird sang, a true song which seemed so beautiful, the sound of nature itself as if appreciating the art. The man, for some strange reason, felt suddenly his dissatisfaction wash away, here now was an audience, that though were not men, but much more meaningful in a way. The insane man, found himself grabbing once more his brush, and started painting , and once finished, was finally happy with the result.

The man couldn't let go of this bird, his muse, so he barred all doors, windows, and refused to allow it to leave, though with honesty it didn't seem inclined to. It seemed content just exploring the home of this insane man, content with watching him work and playing a song for him that always inspired. Of course, the man fed the bird often, making sure that the bird was contented.

Soon, the man found clarity, he found what many seemed impossible but he found a small thread of sanity within himself. He slowly found himself creeping out of what seemed inescapable, but ever so often seemed to lose his grip, with music of nature and insanity, this man created many great artworks. But as he gained more and more of rational thought, he could see that oft times, the bird would peck at the window it came and look ever solemnly at the man. At first he regarded it as nothing, but soon it was something, and eventually it felt as if the man had wronged the bird for keeping it with him.

One such day, one such moment, where the bird pecked at the window once more, the man opened the window. The bird stood there almost shocked, tentatively taking the first steps to leave the house, but always looking back at the man. The man held back tears for he potentially stood to lose the only being that ever understood him. The bird paused, and look at the man for answers, and receiving none, flew off for a moment and landed back on the window still as if to really know what this man wanted.

The man broke, and he spoke to the bird words from his heart, where though he knew that the bird might enjoy the freedom of the outside world more, but he could not part with the bird. The bird seemed to just understand what was said, but flew off anyway. The man, feeling his heart shatter, fell back onto a chair and was depressed. He opened his eyes to peek at where the bird usually sat singing it's song, but nothing. Suddenly, he heard a pecking by his open window. He turned and he saw the bird of his that he thought ran off. What joy filled this man that if the bird were human, he would hug it like a bear. He held back tears of joy and spoke to the bird, thanking it.

From that day on, the man never bothered to stop the bird from leaving, because he knew that the bird cherished his companionship as much he it. And the man soon became more friendly, and had friends though he never ever held his bird partner lowly, always praising it to the extremes. Great arts of works this man created from that day on and it appeared that a bird that seemed not to know it's significance was all that was needed to make a man complete . Never the bird seemed to leave for long , always returning to spend the rest of it's days with the man.

What the man did learn over time though, was that the bird that made him whole, was but a Nightingale, the song of nature, of the night and day, the muse of great poets and writers, and inspiration to many more . What small things can change in the big picture of things, one never knows till one tries, is it not ?

The Ice Inside Insanity

Fire and Ice, inherent opposites without description, no words need be put to highlight where these two stand , always taking the opportunity to strike at each other, one to ease the fires of the heart which are so very passionate and reduce it to yet another wasted smokescreen of forgotten dreams, while the other tries to strike harder and harder into the icy reflective surface, gnawing, clawing, tearing at it exhausting itself because of it's belief that behind the ice there lies a thing of beauty.

A dance that promises nothing more than pain for both yet never did either stop trying to best the other, watched as what was fire with unrelenting passion turned slowly to passive smoke, just a former visage of it's proud self, and we saw as ice became water, and smoke danced with water, an uncanny relationship, not intended yet happened regardless, an image of compromise showing that a mutual ground can be achieved, as water enveloped smoke, smoke dances around the cold grasps of the water .

As the beautiful dance, an anomaly that happened by chance, a rare event preceded by regular situations and proceeded by an unpredictable sequence of beautiful action, happens and defies all expectations, we fail to see that the fire has almost died, hiding the disbelief at it's failure by admiring the fruits of it's sacrifice, an amazingly beautiful dance that promises to him that the touch of death shall be not be too harsh , as if the tango of smoke on the water eased the would be pain . As the final licks of fire reach out for the sky, desperate for their last blaze of glory, the ice that has been forgotten cracks fully, and out rushes the reborn spirit of a phoenix, once so proud and glorious but captured within ice.

Glad with what it has managed to do, Fire is now able to die down into mere embers, and watch as the bird went free. But karma has yet other plans, as the Phoenix came down and took the fires as it's own, and in the end, Fire and Phoenix are united, the icy embrace of the ice prison, hiding the passionate fires of the phoenix are broken down and left ajar, waiting for it's next pray, hoping to hide yet another in there.

And through it all, the mystifying dance of smoke and water, the gentle tug of the waves, the rise and falling and smoke due to pressure, never stopped, maybe something beyond what people understand but nevertheless, having a meaning well within the grasps of sane men.

This insane man faces no more internal turmoil, for he knows that what the eyes see and what the eyes do not are very different, yet for some, they retain a magical and forcefully tied link, ensuring that meanings can never be measured without considering the other. The insane man also knows that what is seemingly unrequited can oft times just be a sign of the fear of love, and that it best be left to someone who is of course, insane, to wear down.

More into insanity

Forgive me for posting this, usually I don't really care about these sort of things.

Mind you that this is merely my opinion and I do not wish it be contention for or against the bersih rally or whatever. It is my opinion and as such, I am free to voice it and you are free to disagree , but I hope for maturity and that you will keep disparing comments off my blog.

Before I begin, let me point out the only reason I'm writing this is that too many within my circle of friends have been vocal about this and have blasted me for where I stand in this issue, which is that I don't care much for the rally. This piece might ruffle some feathers but what are we if not individuals who voice out what we wish . Freedom of speech and expression is it not.


My opinion (Mind you not public, popular or whatever, MINE)

Let's see first what was it they were campaigning for, I don't get it myself, Being so very reclusive I would have to first admit that that I keep my knowledge of affairs of things limited so I can politely excuse myself from conversation. But as a random check on this would reveal that they are campaigning for the same 8 things they did last time, of which 7 were agreed to and are being worked on.

And the reason for Bersih 3.0 ? Well apparently unsatisfactory changes to the system, well then Ladies and Gentlemen, did you expect such change to happen on the spot ? We cannot feasibily change that much in so little time. Give credit where credit is due and stop hating just out of principles. Throw aside those sentiments and see what good has come, your goals are noble, your methods are wack. You have already achieved what you wanted the last time. Stop being a pain, if you don't like it, vote against BN. Its been proven that they can lose and have lost in other states. If you think that's what you want, go ahead.

Of course, that's irrelevant to the discussion, I hate how the demonization of the police happens. Claims of police brutality and all that, let's just put it in numbers, How many people were gathered today ? Can there be any guarantee that NOBODY will be out of line and instigate police. Well thank god they tear gassed you, if you were in a more police-state, you'd have been shot. But you know, it's always the police's fault because they have the guns. Well, thanks for throwing responsibility of your own actions on others.

Put yourself in the polices' shoes for once, imagine having to control that crowd. And as much as you would like to preach that you are different and wouldn't strike out, think back deep inside. Would you really refrain ? Watching these people 'peacefully' march but throwing out abuse, and taunting you ? Not really no. You guys got off lucky really.

Now let's move on to another issue, how this issue. as vehemently as you want to claim that it ha nothing to do with politics, stinks of politcal sentiment . How you say ? What do you see happening ? A rally for the good of Malaysia ? A show of support for PR really. Think about how they manipulated you and use it as a staging point to plant the seeds of hate towards the present government. It may not be apparent, but see how the image is from people who did not participate, who thought of it critically. No matter what you say, you will be perceieved as supporting Opposition and this is exactly the image opposition wants right before election, to show that they have their faults.

And don't start calling me a BN supporter either, I'm not. I am just as opposed to what they are doing as well, whatever it is that comes to mind when I say that, but at the very least they arent affecting a KL in such a way that it stagnates the city and incurs losses for the people there.

Another issue that is really a big deal for me is when those that joined the protest willingly , brought their underage kids and others. Knowing that the possibility is there for all the carnage, you still brought your children . What are you trying to prove ? That even kids support the cause ? It doesn't prove anything other than the fact you are a bad parents and putting your children at risk. Even though you may come here and tell me you expected a peaceful protest. You must admit that you weren't exactly ignoring Bersih 2.0 and what happened then if you come again this time. What ? You are too stupid to consider the harms that it might incur for your kids ? Shame. And what a way to totally implant in their head early on that the Government sucks. You preach that you are promoting critical thinking ? You're not, you're promoting hate.

What will also arise in this situation is the counter productive effects it has on society. Which is a major reason I stand silent most times. What happens is that those who vehemently are for Bersih will be akin to cats and dogs when meeting someone who opposes Bersih. You the reader may not be this kind of person, but do you see how the Malaysian mindset works regularly ? Yeah, that is what happens. On this end, what is supposed to be a bonus to the rally, unity and desegregation of races creates a new impact which is ignored, which is segregation by choice, those for and against bersih, which leads to a situation that is akin to a slippery slope and will only get worse.

The composition of the rally was commendable, every sort of person was there, but really. How many were there that supported the same causes you did ? Who had their own agenda ? Who came because they wanted to feel the aura, who came because of friends and who came to look after those they worry about ? It was a rally, for a cause, but for what cause ? Were all the Bersih supporters really there for Bersih ? Especially considering the elections are round the corner.

Also, about wanting a corruption free Government ? It's good to dream but be real, find me a model country that has that kind of Government, then we can talk more on that, but as I stand here, no matter who the hell is running the country, corruption will still happen, not because that the Government itself is corrupt, but each individual subscribes to an innate nature to prosper.

Meh, I've ranted on about pretty much nothing. Just needed to vent steam I guess. But all in all, what is wanted within their Manifesto is good, but the law of feasibility makes it so that we have to give time for reform to happen, and if those reforms are even achievable, seeing thaat no country has achieved all those goals. Even the methodology to achieve the goals are somewhat flawed. Who am I to say though.

And as the statement goes,

Aku orang bodoh je, tak layak debat ngan korang . Korang semua bijak2 belaka. Aku ni bodoh.

Sorry if I offended anyone. Not really.
To be honest I still have more to say but meh.

The Truth Of Lies

Why do lies appeal to the soul ? The lie is a thing most would choose to pretend does not exist, a concept both foreign to them and utterly outrageous to have happen , but do we not realize a simple fact. There is truth within a lie. An absolute abstract concept, very contradictory but very believable.

What are lies really ? The bending or the falsifying of truths to another ? Or perhaps the refraining of information ? Perhaps a lie is something altogether but let us first see, what are truths . Truths are what we believe to be true yet sometimes we believe in something that has nothing behind their basis, no proof to allow your faith to stand, so if a lie were told, and was sufficiently falsified , and thus to you is proven , is it not yet truth in your eyes. And would not this lie, this false truth if you will, be something far more beneficial if say it was told in your best interest ?

Allow a situation where the truth would lead to the utter collapse of what you believe, would you rather that happen, or would you rather allow the truths you believe in stay and forever allow yourself the happiness ? And would it not be in that state the truth has prevailed yet unknowingly it is a lie to you ?

Perhaps the situation where a man were to lie to someone about what he does or how much he earns, is there no truth at all to what he says ? No, rather it is the truth of his soul as it bears what he so clearly wishes to see, a truth more akin to revelation than what truth is today

What about the very idea of a lie, it is with only a hidden truth, a meaning or thought to falsify or change can the very lie be made. So there lies within a lie an ingrained truth, and though this thought seems odd to some, outrageous to most and acceptable to those who know, realize that this is reality. To lie infers there is something to lie about which is truth. Therein lies the truth of a lie.

-----

Ramblings of an Insane Man, a thought process that never is fixed on rails. Akin to water sliding down a slop, though seems to have only one direction, we can never know if it decides to change.

Insane Love

I have her picture in my phone

Hear her voice when I sit alone

See her face when I go to sleep

Think of her when I'm in to deep

An unnecessary obligation to another individual, Take on burdens that without her I would never take. Love has never been a feeling of rationale but have you seen a man whose love's insane. An image of perfection of her which only he can see. But he doubts not his feelings for he knows that they are true, for fact or fantasy, she has taken his fancy and he can't resist.

A fish on the hook, a train on a rail, a man falling to his death, all inevitable and all this man is for his love is to deep. He can't seem to find a way out, for his eyes fail him, his hands refuse to answer him. The man hasn't realized that though he believes that its all in his hands, its just a fallacy and what he has is an illusion of the ability to run away. Not long more shall it be before he realizes then that he is unable not because he is truly unable to change how he feels, but he doesn't want to.

The man realizes now that he is in love, and he cares not. Resist it no longer he shall for though love may hurt and scar, but the man knows, this love is true and anything that may come are just illusions of trouble and a smokescreen to the truth. The end result as we know, is that he is in love, and is willing to die for it.

And through every fight, every reason to walk away and every inclination to be find another, he knows, that is not his decision, because every time he pulls back and listens to himself , he hears her name, sees her face. And he realizes he cannot live without her.

Such is the insanity of love, and though many will claim that this is not as is the same as what has been of the insane man, but truly, shall we really disbelieve that love isn't really just willing insanity.

A Story Of Insanity

A Short Story Of Insanity

What has been is less than what may have been, I see that my soul has born its share of horrors and has as yet remained strong. Though the story of the soul may be clouded in history in it's making and it's intricacies but realize that we bear our souls as best we can when yet we are given the chance.

Life has dealt to me what none wish to bear but of which many have borne and survived. Life has given me that feeling of love yet to have that very same feeling though strong and good in its essence, unrequited as it is , has broken the strength of mind that I held close and dear. I watched as it broke what was left of me, and left me yet a mess of a man, a rambing insanity that speaks of nothing yet of everything, speaking truths that none wish to hear.

The reality of my existence was ever a facade of what is not . A being brought into this realm purely for one reason, to exist and find purpose, but to what extent does a person wish to find his own purpose. I drifted through what reality may I find having no hope but to gain understanding, finding no other that completed me as though the fragments of my soul were built incomplete , no piece to be found that will fit that which remained empty. Realize as I have that though this may seem a drastic situation with no medication, trust that it may not be as it seems but realize that it may have been that like I, we are meant to serve no other purpose in life than to be brought into being.

But to have no purpose is not to be empty but just to be that which has no need to fulfill. Break the boundaries of your mind and see such as I, this is not a fallacy of being but just another state of being. Grasping on to something that does not exist like I have will only destroy what you have made with what you have.

I have allowed myself to fall into the emotional strain that is love, watch reason disintegrate into nonbeing when the fuels from the depths of my soul which have long thought been buried surfaced and destroyed. I watched it all burn down. My very soul burn. I have given my soul to someone that I thought to have been the piece that I have long sought. This force of something that rightfully did not belong to be where it no longer fit caused more harm than what good it could have ever done.

Steps to insanity it began, saw what was not , thought what was not in existence and began to question it all. And it destroyed me . The failure of those around me to bridge the gap , to bring me through this wreckage of my insanity, let me slip further. What I was failed to remain, failed to struggle on, and what is me was destroyed. A husk of a man, thinking of things that bear no meaning. The destruction brought upon an investment in which was unjustified and risking far too much to survive. Leave me to die for I am already dead, Insanity has taken me. No thought, no cohesion, a misdeamor of mind and an exercise in self destruction. The realization when reason is drowned by raw emotion, mankind makes its fatal mistakes. And realize that such has happened to I. A shadow of myself, an empty husk that no longer will fill, because I have went against my very being, my very purpose of having none. Unsatisfied with being noncomplacent, seeking what should not and destroyed what good I had.

The story of my life that of which had a woman, she who toyed with my very being, my very soul. Destroyed the fabric that held together the pieces , saw myself destroyed though she thought she was having her fun. Saw everything that was me slip away, give all that I am to her, my soul bared, but for naught . What was left of a mockery. To love and to have lost, and to invested my soul so dearly . A mistake where there will no be no reprieve. Just a fragment of what was left, struggling for a single piece and losing the puzzle.

And Insanity takes me.

A Perfect Imperfection

The Truthful Lie

The hold of reality

The lure of fantasy

Mankind was made imperfect

To find satisfaction living within imperfection

To achieve gratification and perfection

Will set yourself free, and will stop that which needs to be

The hunt of something which will never be achieved

To keep grasping for more and never satisfied

But really, isn't that being human ?