Pieces of Insanity

The night calls to us all, the welcoming shadow hiding our true visages from the masses, whether knowingly or unwittingly, we pride ourselves in the our innate ability to be who we are not . We are slowly falling into an indomitable abyss where we slowly throw our identities to try and be plastic copies of what we are not.

Who are we but the plastic molds of what we aim to be, forever trying to attain the unattainable thereafter dooming us to an eternity of imperfection. We spit and trample upon the blood, sweat and tears of those before us who strove hard in order to ensure we were a free people, prejudice thrown aside and that we could all hold hands and love one another by bastardizing their Utopian image with our own dystopian lives.

We claim that we fight for equality, that we fight for what is right and just but each and everyone of us must realize that we are all fighting for ourselves. We are but human, the one perfect imperfection . We are all slowly falling into line and behaving like herded cows chasing after trend after trend. We have no need to look far for I myself am but a hypocrite, the rapist preacher to a crowd of murders .

Ever do we see great people rise up and take a stand to be different, to be unique, to be who they are and not another bound and gagged slave of a system that long forgot who gave them the power, the people that promised beauty, that promised, freedom, that promised wealth but only delivered us into an era of pollution , media slavery and unattainable dreams of wealth.

Greed is insatiable, hidden behind false masks of angelic smiles the devil lurks and drives us to do what we deem most appropriate. There be rare a person who would do for others and hope for naught in return, at the very least they would do it in the name of garnering praise from the Lord . A selfless act turned selfish, a brave act turned opportunistic , a beautiful smile laced with seduction to draw us from the right road.

But fear not, for though I speak of dystopia, of slavery and of submission akin to those of medieval times, there are people out there, if I might say, akin to Neo who slowly but surely snap the blinded masses from their stupor and inspire. Far too few for Utopia but surely more than enough to hold on to that last thread, that very final hope of Utopia.

The masses, will claim ignorance, each to his own will react with the words "I am not the slave, I am not the fool, I am not the submissive whore to the bastard grasps of the system" but alas, these are the very fools that fall victim to the grips of media . Disillusioned to believe themselves unique in a world of plastics.

It's very much apparent that I myself, am plastic, but only a blasted mold that was never meant to be, cracked and uncolored, untended and uncared for , left to rot in the mass of filth that is history .

Pieces of Insanity p. 1

Musings of an inane man .

What is a great person? Is a great person the person who scores straight A's in his or her studies? Is the great person someone who excels in sports? Or is he the one who is linguisticly gifted or perhaps better than most at numbers or maybe the person has a knack for organizing things. Perhaps, a combination of the three would be the best description. I for one, have my own definition for a great person.

A great person is someone, despite not being academically gifted our athletically outstading, gives it his or her all at his chosen field. A great person will commit more than his fair share of time and he will expend almost all of his energy to excel at what he does. But what stands about a person I deem great, is that despite his all his efforts, and somehow, he manages not to achieve greatness, and gets knocked down far from his pedestal, he will dust himself off and begin again. A great person is characterized by the spirit where he or she will never back down, and every challenge that is thrown in his way, he will meet head on. A great person will not delegate tasks to others nor blame his lacks on others because he is responsible enough to know that this is what he must do.

A great person also realizes a very important fact. That fact is that no matter how significant, no matter how impossible, no matter how daunting a task may be, the deciding factor is within himself. A great person knows that before he will achieve in life, he will have to face his demons. And when he faces his demons and unmasks them for what they are, he will realize the demon was none other than himself. What he will realize is that the only thing ever standing in between him and whatever he wants is himself. He will realize that though he may drop to his knees and cry foul, and perhaps it might be of some avail, it is far more rewarding to commit the effort in order to overcome those odds and he will have improved.

A great person will have great mannerism, as if he fails to achieve such basic gentlemanry standards, would he even be fit to be deemed great. His mind will be made of resolve. His will might seem absolute at times and there seems to be no changing his mind, but that is where a great person is better than an arrogant person, he will admit his wrong and take the better option when presented. He will also grab at every oppurtunity he can, no fear of failure for he knows that every failure brings him closer to success and he will not despair.

There are many sayings, there are many musings, there are many quotes, there are many songs and they are many things people have said over time that may embody the spirit of a great person, but in my humble opinion, I believe the one most suited for a great person would be,

"No Giving Up"

And to all my friends, regardless of where you are at life, everything and everyone around you seems to be such a problem, nothing seems to go right, all your effort goes to waste, all your supposed ability just a age old story. Don't live in regret, begin a new and remember those words. Never allow yourself to give up.

Call me sentimental, call me emo, call me arrogant, this is the one topic I wish to voice out, because to be honest, the writing helped me to find some sort of solace, and to help refocus myself. I will be better than today, and I will strive to be the best, and though obstacles may stand in my way. Giving up is no option.

Valentines Day, 2010. =)

Zeke was a guy who was unlucky with women. It wasn't in the sense that he couldn't interact with them, it was just that somehow someway, instead of becoming someone they loved and treasured, he became a brother, a shoulder to cry on, a counselor, a tutor and much more. He enjoyed his life but he always wondered, why is it that nobody ever fell for him? Was he a fool that believed that true love was real?

Perhaps.

Zeke always seemed to be happy when around his friends, smiling and cracking jokes, being the life of the party and all, but it was more a ruse to make sure nobody worried about him. He didn't like people worrying about his well being. He wanted to be a kind of person that would always be able to do good deeds, and of course, to make up for the things he lacked in life.

One day, Zeke met someone during an otherwise mundane trip to town and he thought that he had found someone he could appreciate. He told himself not to fall in love because truthfully, he could not handle the pains of watching as they left him for another as all the ones that past had done.

Every morning, he would send a message telling her that he hoped she would enjoy the day, and every night he sent her a message hoping that she enjoyed it. He didn't know if what he was doing was right or wrong, he had no clue about the rituals of courtship. The pair talked often, over many mediums, the internet, phones, in person, letters and all other sorts of innovative and classic ways they could find.

He found himself falling in love, and he violently struggled to pull himself from that feeling. He didn't know what to do. The feeling began in a small part of him and slowly it built itself. Powerless, he relented to it and surrendered himself to his fate. He gathered what resolve he had and put in all the effort he could in order to win her over and not see himself fall again.

Their conversations got even more frequent which seemed an impossibility because they were already communicating with each other most of the day. He listened to her problems and always was there whenever she needed him. He never told her any of his problems, because he did not want to burden her, he never told anyone his problems really. Perhaps he was just afraid of expressing himself, or maybe he just didn't know how.

One day, he found himself suddenly filled with courage. He wanted to tell her how he felt. Unfortunately, that was a very busy time for the both of them so he could only express his feelings through a text message, in which he summoned as much linguistic prowess that he had. The text message went something like this.

"Dear L, you are like a bright star in my dark, depressing life. You bring forth a ray of hope and send the shadows scurrying. I can't imagine my life if I hadn't met you. All my waking hours I think of you and hope that you think of me, and all my sleeping hours I have dreams of you and nightmares that would would leave me. No word's can truly describe the way I feel for you as I have not felt this way for a person in my life. No past flame nor relationship has ever brought me this feeling. You are the only one I can trust and I believe that you are one that the big guy above has sent my way and I believe we are meant to be. Oh L, will you be mine, and allow me to hold you close, love you and care for you?"

L did not respond. Zeke was heart broken. He went to sleep that night and for once, he had a dreamless night. He woke up in the morning, and he sent his usual text. Still no reply. He despaired, so he fell deeper into despair. He went to the kitchen and made very strong coffee, and after drinking the cup. He went into his room.

This part has two endings, the happy, and the sad. I'll write the happy ending first. Sad ending will be marked.

Happy

As he was about to go back to his little online world, back to the day to day habit of cheerfully helping people. he heard a knock at the door. Wondering who in the world it was this early, he got out of his room and answered the door. He saw someone that would make all the previous suffering disappear all at once.

L stood at the door, car parked on the side of the road, holding a her phone, she stared into his eyes and finally, she smiled and said "Zeke, I love you too." and ran into his arms, Zeke could not believe that he was finally going to be with someone that loved him. And with that, Zeke and L remained happy together for as long as this story remains relevant.

Sad

He went back to his little online world and checked her facebook profile. She had posted something along the lines of disgust about what he had done last night, or so he thought. He also saw that she had uploaded some pictures of her with some guy he knew but didn't think would be able to get it on with her. In truth, the guy was her cousin but he didn't know that nor was he inclined to think so after the many heart breaks in his life.

Zeke wrote a suicide note, telling of how he all he had done in life was to please people but it had brought him nothing but heart ache and that no one would ever love him, the usual emo banter that would put Linkin Park to shame. He opened the window of his room, and jumped out head first, falling the two stories to the ground and cracking his head, killing himself instantly.

Moments later, she arrived at his house to tell him that she loved him, when no one answered, she panicked and used a spare key he always kept under his doormat which he had told her some time ago. She walked around the house and saw that it was very apparent that he had been up and about not moments ago, she could also see that there was no dirty laundry so he could not have showered and went out. Walking into what she thought was his room, she saw the note, and broke down in tears, she did not have the heart to look out the window.

She called the ambulances in tears as she crawled up into a ball in his room and cried her eyes out. When the ambulances arrived and pronounced him dead, she lost it. Now she has found someone else and gone on with life, but she will never forget what had happened.

As for Zeke? He's dead.

Hells Yeah

So, the facade I keep around me to assure people I am always happy is tearing down. I seem to find myself ever going into a place where people think I'm some sort of playboy. Wowee, I don't know what to say. Girlfriends? Me? Hahaha, as enjoyable as that notion would be, I have no such thing. And as per custom of being an interwebs masterz, I'm always doomed to never have one. Everybody will tell you that I am not one of those guys who are lucky enough for relationships.

Haih, so is it some kind of fun game now to toss a random girl and say they are involved with me? Is it so fun to destroy every fathomable thing I hold dear. Is it so hard for her to believe I love her and no one else? Is it so hard? Why is it so easy to believe that I am instead a sex loving god of lust? Dude, moral integrity. We of the internet are not like the rabble you meet outside.

Which is why we always wonder, why do they always go for the fucking jerks. Damn it. If anybody fucking tells me to chill out I'll bring you to your grave.

Work in progress

I haven't touched this blog in a long time. Here is a story that stems from my rather depressed state. It is based on Ezekiel Angelus, a character I roleplay as on ShadowSide and it explores his rather morbid side. Enjoy.

It seemed like any other night. Ezekiel was fast asleep in his part of the dorm and the night seemed to ooze a sense of calm and tranquility. Even Walter, Zeke's eccentric friend, was fast asleep as the night marched on. Unfortunately, fate had a different thing instore for Zeke. As Zeke slept, flashbacks of his time back at his home began in his mind. At first, there were happy memories of his youth. His days spent playing with Gabriel, growing up together with him as they took on many challenges and each rising up to be an outstanding individual.

Tragically, this rather happy line of thoughts turned extremely dire, as Zeke was forced to relive Evo's dawn once again. He remembered that morning very well. He woke up and saw that everything was in a blur, rushing to find his friend Gabriel, he found him with tears welled up in his eyes and ash in his hand. He remembered what happened, the dawn had unleashed some powers within Gabriel that he had accidentally unleashed on his father. Zeke remembered, he also remembered the wild crowd of people that came in and chased after Gabriel. He remembered how they killed him and left his body for the vultures. "Animals, all of them" Zeke thought.

Suddenly, he was thrust into memories not his own. He could see them, other Evo, being hunted down by petty humans and murdered. Not because they were in the wrong, but because of fear. The people feared them and so they oppressed. This enraged Zeke for some reason and he felt power flow into his arms and he lashed out at the target.

With that, Zeke's dream ended and he sat there, staring into the wall. He felt hate build in him as he sat there staring. There was anger for how they treated Gabriel, anger to the way they treated the Evo in general. He felt the need to bring justice to the people who had so easily turned on who were once their own brethren and killed them out of distrust. Not only that, they had even murdered other humans as well.

Runes appeared over Zeke's body as he felt as if he had just been given a divine mandate to bring those insolent baboons who had oppressed them so to justice. His justice. Standing up, he grabbed the ceremonial knife which the beast he had been defeated by left and left the dorms clad only in his simple bedtime attire, a matching pair of black tee and pants. He made a beeline straight for the redlight district of Fukuoka. Zeke stalked around stealthily to ensure his identity was secure.

Just so happens, as he was sneaking around, he saw what he wanted to see. A group of four men grabbing a young lady and throwing her into a deserted alley. He could barely make out what they looked like save that one of them was bald while the others looked like his goons, they were even decently well built. They began beating at her and seemed about ready to rape her. Zeke, suddenly filled with a bloodlust he has never felt before rushed at them, unbeknown to him that the runes which had glowed earlier now had an even more defined look to them, akin to archaic symbols which was held in great regard as being the symbols that the heavens used.

Exploding from where he was hidden, the first blow he launched lack the grace he usually moved with. He threw a right hook straight at the knee of the first man, a burly fellow who seemed a lot tougher from a far. As the blow connected, Zeke could feel and hear the kneecap shatter under the pressure. Before the man could scream however, Zeke had already followed through with a knee to the face which shattered the mans nose and left him unconscious.

The other three men shook off the surprise and turned to face Zeke. Seeing the opportunity open up, the woman ran for her life. Zeke stood there facing the three standing men and a grin formed on his lip. The bald one said "What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you know who you are dealing with?!". Zeke nodded and said, "Trash". With an obvious look of utter hatred, the bald man pulled out a knife and his two bodyguards pulled out weapons of their own. They charged Zeke as one, but unfortunately, lacked the finesse for the coordinated maneuver.

The man on the left of the boss, a man with cropped hair, came rushing in first with chain raised overhead. Zeke didn't hesitate, nor did he even know what he was doing. He shattered the mans cheek bone with a horizontal elbow with his right arm and broke his chain wielding right arm by holding it with his left and kneeing it upwards as he brought the arm lower. The man screamed in pain as he felt the pain shoot through him like the flames of hell itself. Not contended just bringing him pain, Zeke threw the man towards his boss. Taking him out for the time being.

Turning towards the last standing bodyguard, Zeke noted that he seemed more battle hardened than the first two so he prepared himself to get into a proper fight. The guard raised a machete and came charging at Zeke. Somehow feeling embarrassed about overestimating the opponent, Zeke rushed in and kneed the man in the ribs, shattering several in the process. He heard and felt the blood gushing from the mans open mouth and the feeling made Zeke much more bloodthirsty. He turned towards the boss who was only just getting back into his feet. "This is not over just yet punk" Zeke said and proceeded to knock the man out with a devastating uppercut.

The four men woke up, all around them was darkness save for a single lightbulb hanging above a chair. One tried to move and he realized that they were all tied to wooden stakes shaped like crosses. They looked as if they were crucified save for the fact their hands were not nailed on. Yet.

Zeke observed as they came to as he had accustomed himself to the low light situation before they had. He was somewhat relived that they were alive. He was unsure if they could have survived the beating he gave them. He walked up to the first one, whose' knee was now in ruins and was forced to hang on a stake. Zeke lovingly stroke good leg with the care one would normally see from a mother stroking her baby. He stroked it several times, with each stroke, the foursome grew more and more anxious, moreso the man who was now being stroked. Suddenly, Zeke pulled out a dagger and thrust it right through the mans kneecap. The man tried to scream but it was to no avail. The very room seemed to sap the sound they made. Zeke slowly used it like a saw and sawed off the man's leg from the knee down. He then brought the severed leg off into the darkness.

"Justice" muttered Ezekiel as he disappeared from sight. The man who had just had his leg ripped apart kept on trying to scream, the agony he was in surpassed the words of man. A leg missing and a kneecap shattered, as well as the nose. He was sure he was going to be the worst target of them all.

Zeke returned, looking slightly bloodier than earlier but otherwise unchanged, he stalked around the room and turned to the man who had attacked him with a chain. He walked up slowly to him and brought his face close to his own. He stared deep into his eyes, projecting hatred into him. Then, Zeke's lips made contact with his for a brief moment right before Zeke's right hand slammed it as hard as he could into the man's crotch. He repeatedly hit the man there until he saw the man pass out from pain. He then pulled out the knife once again but this time he used the blind side, and pounded the mans fingers over and over again until they resembled nothing more than mashed potatoes.

The third man and his boss had been looking in horror as it happened and they knew what was in store for them was probably worse than dying. Taking the initiative to end his own life before he was subject to any torture, the bodyguard tried to bite his tongue but was disrupted when Zeke launched a punch so devastating it shattered the mans teeth. Zeke then grabbed the mans tongue and slowly, slowly, ripped it out. The man screamed but his screaming slowly died out as the blood started blocking his throat and causing him to choke. The man tried to cough the blood out but Zeke stuffed a rag in his mouth and taped it tight.

Zeke then turned to the boss of the whole group, the least hurt and the one in for the most pain, mr baldy. Zeke walked into the darkness and pulled out the Ceremonial dagger before stalking back to the boss. "I despise people like you" Zeke said as he approached. The boss was white with terror as he realized that death wouldn't come quick for him. The first thing Zeke did was gently place the dagger on his left wrist and slowly sawed at it. He made sure that every little action was felt. He grew extremely excited when he saw the blood dripping and he paid no attention to the increasingly loud screaming of the man. Moving in the heat of the excitement, Zeke turned and passionately kissed the man, who was trying as best he can to get away from Zeke. He wanted to tear away but he had been tied securely.

As Zeke kept the kissed locked in, he used the dagger to stab the man in the side. Non lethal, but a spot filled with pain receptors. He wanted to enjoy the few precious moments he had left. As the blood made contact with his hand, he felt something different than bloodthirst, something more akin to hunger, and it was uncontrollable. He could not refrain himself from what happened next. His hand pulled out the knife and he sliced the man's arm off at the shoulder. He heard the man scream but it seemed so far away as he then used his jaws to rip apart the man's neck, going for the jugular right away. Ripping and tearing at veins and arteries alike, Zeke could feel the feeble struggle of the man as wanted to fight Zeke off but it ended soon after.

He turned to the others and he could see that the two that were conscious were staring at him in horror. He didn't want to disappoint their darkest fears. The man who had the rag stuffed in his mouth seemed about ready to go so Zeke kindly pulled the rag out and kicked him in the chest to force him to spit out the blood. Then, Zeke stabbed him with his left hand, all five fingers pointed and where the heart should be. He didn't realize as he did so the runes on the left side of his body glowed brightly and when the hand made contact, it easily tore apart skin and flesh and shattered the ribcage protecting his heart. Zeke felt as if he was in a dream as he could feel the mans heart. He grabbed it and crushed it with all his might, and the man was no more. Withdrawing the hand from the man's chest, it still tightly held the heart. He stared intently at the heart for a moment, and then stuffed it into the man who lost his leg.

Zeke started laughing, he had never felt so happy before. He had brought justice to these people and it felt good. He wanted to do it again and again and again. He grabbed some cloth and bandaged the man's severed knee. The man looked in horror as Zeke did so, which ticked Zeke off. Zeke rammed a finger into each eye and pulled out the eyeballs and left it there for the rats to eat. Zeke then walked off, leaving the corpses and the two still living people in an abandoned building in the outskirts of town.

As he left, he roared into the wind, "I have just begun!"

A random trail of thought for today

I had my back against the cavern walls, my eyes fixated at the entrance of the cavern, rifle at the ready. I was on first watch that night while my mates hung back deeper in to get some rest. The fire that we had kept alive to keep warm and serve as our only source of light was getting steadily dimmer and I saw the shadows of the night creep closer as if an animal sneaking up on it's prey.

As I sat there keeping watch, I heard someone coming up from the cavern. I shrugged it off as I knew it was about time for someone else to keep watch. We greeted each other and I turned around and headed into the cavern for some rest.

As I walked through the winding tunnels of the cavern and I finally reached my designated resting spot. The intricate design of the cavern only came into being after months of digging out places to keep safe from them and the bombs that were falling.

I set aside my rifle and laid down to rest.

I woke up several hours later to the sounds of my mates shouting something obscene. I went out into the main cavern and saw them gathered around a body on the floor. I rushed to their side and I saw that the body did not belong to one of us. I asked them where they had found the body and upon discovering the body was found not too far from the cavern entrance, I set off right away because I feared that whatever killed this person was close and could sneak in and cause untold havoc in here.

I rushed to my "room" grabbed my rifle and ran out. One of my mates followed suit and in no less than five minutes we were out of the cavern and into the lightly forested area outside. The two of us stealthily approached the area where the body was found. As our destination became closer and closer, the familiar smell of death began to fill the air.

Suddenly I heard the sound of lightning and a flash of light, I hit the floor and I glanced back to see if my mate had done the same. He was standing there rooted on the spot, clutching his chest, staring at me. He opened his mouth trying to say something but then another shot was fired and he was hit in the head, taken by death's cold embrace before he could speak a word.

I frantically looked around for the source of the bullets but I could make non out. I crawled to my mate's body and took his dogtags off. I then immediately stood up and too flight. I heard no shots being fired so I ran as fast as my feet could take me. As I sped along the forest, the cavern was beginning to be in my sight so I picked up my pace. Suddenly an arm came out from behind a tree and I was clothelined to the floor.

A man came from behind the tree, I recognized him as the man who replaced me during my watch kast night. His rifle hanging on his back. He stepped over me and put his knee on my chest. He looked into my eyes with disgust and pulled a knife out from his pocket. He stabbed me in the gut and then moved in close. "Die" he whispered into my ear as he pulled out the knife from my gut and proceeded to stab me over and over again.

I felt my life steadily flowing away from me as Death came to claim me, with my last few gasping breaths, I managed to see him stand up and aim his rifle to make sure I was dead. I died before he did his last dastardly deed .




Bored , No story, just crapping, might reexplore this story at a later date

Random Publications

The limits of my emotional and mental capacity are fast approaching. The very ideals I hold dear are shattering apart. I find myself being able to enjoy mundane things now. The problems pile up like a mountain of flammable shit and for once, I didn't bring a flamethrower. When I look at it from an objective standpoint, It all seems so trivial it seems funny, but when viewed from the subjective standpoint that we all find ourselves 'blessed' with, it becomes a problem that is 'impossible' to overcome.

Now, it all seems fine and normal for a person to go through times like this, right? There's always someone to turn to and discuss your problems, right? Unfortunately, I do not trust people enough to discuss my problems in detail and would rather run into a brick wall, repeatedly, at full speed. Is my preference for bone shattering impacts with no positive outcome much more rewarding than sharing my problems and letting go of my emotions? Well, it seems that way. I'd rather have bones shattering than have something people can hold against me. The whole world revolves around the delicate card game that we call life where no one holds all the right cards but those who know when to play the wrong card are the true winners.

I am sure the last paragraph made no sense, I'm making it up along as I go. I am sure you are all waiting for a short piece by now yes? Of course, how silly of me.

A young man sits idly on the rooftop of a building, he lets out a sigh as he remembers the days he has just left behind. He grew up a social recluse during his 'formative years', not having much friends and avoided sports. He was a bright kid and though he was not 'popular' by any standards, he was content with life. Not throughoutly happy but satisfied. As this boy entered high school, he had decided he wanted to change, he took up sports and become slightly more social, slowly learning the ropes of being more social. He made lots of friends and though he believes he underachieved in his sport, he actually met all expectations and even exceeded some because he had never done sports prior.

With his new life involving sports and social activities, the boy turned teen began losing focus on his studies, but he never lost all focus and managed to score decent enough grades. This may all sound happy and dandy but the teen was not happy. He craved more but he did not know what exactly he craved, he had somehow developed a sense of ambition, to be the best but he never knew what he wanted to be the best at. He became obsessed with many things that he should not be obsessed with.

As his ambition grew, his social life grew steadily with it and before he knew it, he had managed to make more than his fair share of 'friends' that he trusted. He strived to keep his friends close and eventually slowly began to realize they were not his friends at all, they were merely there and were talked to, they were not there to help. Infact, he even noticed a trend that he was the one that was to help them all. He began taking back the misgiven trust that he placed on them but he never showed them that he was sick of it. There were few that still had his trust but those were truly few and far between. As he slowly took back the trust, he grew unnecessarily self aware and always postured himself, a shell that no one was to look through, he learnt to properly mask his true feelings by masking it from himself. He was just a coward hiding beneath well made characters. An endless charade began where he pretended he was unaware of what people truly perceived he was, or what he thought that they truly perceived him as.

This person had lost sight of who and what he was. He awaited something or someone to call him out of this shell of charades but he was lost, nobody was able to. Until...

End.

Not my best. Needs work, central theme is lacking.