February 5th 2020

Thoughts

I don't know what hides inside anymore,
I can't tell, it won't say.
I don't know what I should reach out to do,
Is something to be done ?

What does it mean to hurt ?
What does it mean to be hurt ?
Are we bound in our own chains ?
Are all that we are just insignificant NPC's in everyone elses world ?

Is there anything that hides inside ? Does it matter ?
Does it hurt ? Is it our choice to hurt ?
Are there really chains ? Bound or Afraid ?
The truth is, I may never know.

Reflecting On A Decade

As the decade inches towards its inevitable end, it presents an interesting opportunity to put some of my thoughts down. The 2010’s have been a wild ride for me, I literally lived through at least one Apocalypse scare (anyone remember 2012? That was a load of fun). I’ve had so many kinds of experiences that looking back, I have no idea how it all happened. Admittedly there were as many sour memories and experiences as there were great ones, but I don’t really have anything that I really really want to go back in time to change. I feel that all these experiences have been enlightening to me regardless of their intent and impact.

In the 2010’s I went from a teenager who didn’t quite have a clue as to what he was doing when he decided to pursue his higher education and was pretty much winging it the whole way, into the middle(ish) 20s young adult that I am today, and really, I still don’t think I have the foggiest idea of what I am doing at times, just that I got better at going with whatever happens I suppose.

In the 2010’s I learned a lot more about myself, and I feel that was the biggest takeaway for me. I also managed to push myself and achieve things that I never imagined I would have been able to do. I managed to train and commit myself to play rugby at one of the higher levels of the game in Malaysia, I managed to play the game in Indonesia as well. I’ve met so many great people while playing the game, and I’ve learned so much from it. Rugby has been one of the most important teachers I’ve had in my life especially when it comes to heart. In the 2010’s I’ve come back from injuries big and small and I really honestly think that it has helped shape my attitude towards coming back from setbacks and failures.

In the 2010’s, I also have done quite a number of things that have helped formed the way I look at things. I’ve been an insurance agent, a door to door salesman, I’ve tried running my own business, I’ve had a go at my own clothing line, Organized some slick events, Debated my ass off, Split myself into many pieces trying to juggle a personal life, a social life, my studies, and all the other things I wanted to do. I’ve tried out things and figured out that I am not too great at some stuff (or rather, pretty horrible at them), and also found some things that despite not being too great at doing, I just enjoyed my time doing it.

Of course, no decade is complete without romance, drama relating to the people around you and other people matters. Hey, I discovered how it was like to be loved, cherished, appreciated, and of course I also had the opportunity to experience heartbreak, being cheated on, being under appreciated and taken advantage of. When it comes to friendships, I’m blessed to have a solid network of friends around me, who seem to have no problem with the stop start nature of how I socialize and I am glad for it. I am really appreciative of them and all my other friends who have been around me and helped prop me up when I was down. I’ve also been let down and disappointed in the people around me, ranging from those that never keep their word, to those who borrow money and put off paying it back with no guilt. And all that jazz.

I can’t talk about relationships and the people around me without mentioning the fact that I have learned so much from my peers, my bosses, the people around me who have the same pains and the same passions. This is especially true when I made the transition from all that I did prior into a pathway which was primarily to do with data and technology. I didn’t have the same starting point as a lot of people, and I am really glad for the people around me to have helped me grow along the way, as much as I am conscious that without my own effort, nothing could happen, I am also aware enough to say that without these people, I would almost definitely not be near my where I am, and I am glad to say that with them I will continue to grow fast.

I’ve also discovered throughout the decade, that sometimes it’s just about incrementally growing. It’s crazy how little I realized its impact when I was younger. It doesn’t matter in what sense you make the incremental gains, if you started saving and investing at the start of the 2010’s, you’d have seen a little mountain at the end of it. If you focused on learning and growing your knowledge, just compare yourself to the you of 2009/2010 and you’d realize so much has changed even when you didn’t feel anything change. Even when it comes to fitness (this one I fail regularly), if you make incremental progress, it’s still progress. You get better, you get stronger, even in small increments. It doesn’t matter how small a step you take, as long as you take it, as often as you can. Time will show you what you deserve.

I honestly think the decade has gifted me with so much to take away, so much for me to look back and learn from, things to do, and things to make sure I never do again. I found out more about the people I can put my trust in, those that I should never turn my back to, and the people you can only trust to do certain things, and expecting too much is just a pain on yourself.

Honestly, I could go on and on about the past decade, but as we enter the new decade, I’m happy to say that I am in a loving relationship. That I have sort of found a direction. That I’ve committed of growing a bit better every day in one way or the other. And that I really should get back in shape.

Thank you everyone for being a part of my life this past decade, whether you have given me great memories or horrible ones. I hope that the future brings the best for both you and I, whether it may be for us to stay in touch or for us to never speak again.

Thanks 2010s, Let’s see what the 2020s has to offer !

April 1st

I'll chase back all the backlog for all the content I didn't deliver eventually for the year. That means about 12 more posts I guess. Anyways, here's one that came to mind quite recently. I wouldn't say it's any good at all but I do have to keep writing to keep in somewhat practice.

Stagnant

The days pass akin to a steady stream,
The light of day, the dark of night,
Holding on to things long past in dreams,
Lost the will to remember the days plight.

Once upon a time, there was a strong passion,
Now left with but a sense of apathy,
Plagued by a self-image of constant derision,
Yet unable to fight a sense of lethargy.

Feeling as if a candle burnt out too soon,
And plagued by a fear of failure I hoped that would never come,
Turned me into a man stuck in my cocoon,
Never realizing that what's not grasped will be gone.

At heart knowing the things done wrong,
Pride pushing away all good intent,
I hope one day this will be but a thing far gone,
Or else forever will I stay, stagnant.

Week 3

Post for week 3 of January. Trying to keep my weekly thing going. I hope you somewhat enjoy.





Buried in blissful excess,
Living in hedonism unsuprassed,
We glorify ignorance in the masses,
As we live without care of actions past.

Driven by want and forgetting need,
Pretending to be saints, but living in greed,
Always living with endless motivation,
Doomed to never find satisfaction.

Poisoned by what we see,
Never realized, we are just lost at sea,
Always wanting what the world wants,
The you inside just left to haunt.

Week 2

Just an attempt at writing, prompted by the word senectitude, which translates into old age. I don't think it's any good, but I want to have it out here as to commit to writing and tracking the changes in my writing if there is any improvement.

If you read, do tell me what you think.

Week 2 Attempt.

As I live apathetically into senectitude,
A part of an inane hive, typically in solitude,
The days pass, almost imperceptibly,
Just like grass, suddenly already hitting maturity.

The old adage of old is gold, echoes hollow in today's society,
Thinking we are chasing prosperity, finding ourselves in austerity,
Treating life as though it is an endless kindle,
Not realizing it is merely akin to a candle.

Many amongst us lie and claim our lives fulfilling,
But honestly if we were to die, would we say we live fulfilled,
Trapped in the pursuit of mindless pleasure,
Often never seeing life's true treasures.

As I write aimlessly about my observations as I go into senectitude,
I try my best to thrive, I try my best to realign my attitude,
To change what would pass, through living optimistically,
But alas, this intention might pass into obscurity.

A Decade Of IR

It's been awhile since I wrote anything in this blog, but I felt that as the year 2017 is heading to its close, it is a perfect time to wrap up the past 10 years for me in the context of this blog. This blog was never something that I wanted to dedicated my life into and it mainly served as an avenue for me to continuously practice my writing and slowly grow what talent I had in that field and try to keep in practice. Obviously with my update activity in the past few years, it hasn't been doing its job. Part of the reason that his has happened has to do with the fact that I slowly transitioned into paper and pen writing and the lion share of what I write these days happen to be penned down instead of being added to any online medium, well apart from a few times I submitted my work for review, had it on instagram or generally have people comment on my latest work.

I feel that as the years gone by, my writing style has evolved and took a variety of twists and turns but the best option for me today is to begin once more to write into this blog as I feel that attempting to write something weekly, or even monthly, would do wonders for my discipline. As a writer, I feel that in terms of the growth of my writing, I have slowly stepped away from being too dark but I keep drifting back in to that sort of writing as it suits me best. That being said, I feel that the style just fits as I personally think that the most comfortable style of writing is the one for me. On this note I would like to announce to my ghost audience that for the decade celebration of the blog, that I will commit to writing the blog properly once again. To be honest this is more to do with trying to build discipline in myself and to a certain extent, repay the support that I have received over the years with this blog matter how little it was.

But as this post is also coincidental to the end of 2017, I'd like to touch upon the year for me as well as talk in brief about the other years. A more in depth view of my years will of course be done on another blog I will launch in the new year.

2017 for me has been a year where I found myself dealing with a lot of failure in terms of work. I had joined a company but couldn't make ends meet there. It was also a year that as a rugger, I did not achieve the heights I could and took a very long sabbatical to try my best at work. I have also seen my share of weddings, crippling injuries and deaths. Both joy and sorrow was a huge part of my year which made it very eventful. I have found myself exposed to a variety of new experiences and struggles and I have gained a new appreciation for sales people and the tough life of door to door salesman. Towards the end of the year I have also been invited to join hands with my friends and launch a new company. Hopefully that works out well.

But more on my writing, I'd like to point that again, I have done a lot of writing in a book and I shall slowly edit and publish pieces which I feel are better on average. Of course, I also might drop back to writing in my book again, but I hope that I can keep on track. In terms of the years that past, I have once had someone do me the favor of compiling it into a pdf and I might one day share that as well. There are also instances that I have written things offhand that I might put up as well. I believe that I have to try my best to make a tangible difference to what I have done so far.

The past 10 years have been a very eventful time for me but this blog wont be the place for it to be showcased. I will hopefully cover all of it in my other blog and commit myself to slowly becoming better as a whole but especially as a writer. The time frame that has been covered in these ten years covers a rather eventful part of my life covering from when I was fifteen all the way to this year where I have officially passed the quarter-centurion mark of my life. Wrapping it up, 2017 has been good and bad but it's been eventful and I feel blessed for the many things I have been through. I would like to thank everyone that was a part of my 2017 in real life as well as online.

On a side note, I have started drafting a sci-fi esque world and hopefully 2018 I will make headway into writing lore and short stories into it.

Thanks everyone for reading, I hope you guys will bear with me the following years to come and that we grow together.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year and that as we bid Father Time goodbye and thank him for the year, we welcome Baby New Year into our arms and nurture him well.

Best Regards,
Elethor

As Seconds, Minutes and Hours,
Very Little Is Seen Or Can Be Done,
In Days, Weeks and Months,
The Things We Do Show Their Results,
In Years, Decades And A Lifetime,
We Are Left Fond Memories, Pride and Regrets.

As Time Flows, The Things We Do and Don't Accumulate,
The One Line You Read, The Words You Never Said,,
Time So Rigid,, So Fair, It Seems Unfair,
Once It Has Passed You By, Never Again,
As We Sit And Ponder What We Should Have Done,
We Oft Forget, Now Is The Moment We Can.

The Impermanence Of Life Oft Forgotten,
Only The Lingering Affection Of Days Past Remain,
An Innumerable Number Of Possibilities Ahead,
Yet What's Past Captivates Us Most,
These Words Are Mine For Me,
As They Are From Me To You. 

P.S, I Am Very Out Of Practice.

The Immortal Post Two

There is very little that stands out about this day, perhaps save the seemingly perfection of it. The sun's rays gently sharing its life giving warmth to the world. The gentle music of birds, singing their birdsong as if celebrating the day. The atmosphere seemed almost overwhelmingly unnatural in that sense. Of course, perfection doesn't last forever, and those that missed the moment to the ever enchanting tendrils of sleep would have missed it all.

The sounds of a town coming alive, the sounds of life begin slowly began to pour forth from the formerly silent surroundings. The song of the birds fade slowly, till seem as if they were just imagined all along. Like a scene from any place in the world, the people round this town got to their business of living.

At a house like every other house, with a small garden in front of the porch, a man opens the door. He is dressed rather casually for the day. A casual collared top, jeans with sneakers. If you were to bump into him, you'd have wondered what it was he was up to this day. A youthful looking face, a little under 6 foot tall and a fit body, it seemed it was equally likely he was off to work or college. And it wouldn't have seemed out of place if he was just out for a walk, with nothing in particular to do on this day.

He steps out, making sure to lock the door behind him and takes out a cigarette. Looking round he decides to sit on a chair that was placed next to a table by the door. The table was made of wood, nothing too fancy but sturdy. On it, there was a aluminium tray, the surface of it covered in what seemed to be black spots. Almost anyone would know immediately it was an ashtray of course, but if one didn't see the remnants and marks of the ash, they'd think it was a kind of a place where snacks would be put.

Relaxing into his seat, he pats his pockets and finds what he is looking for, a pack of matches. Muttering to himself, words seeming unintelligible, he strikes the match and lights his smoke. The first drag, it seemed as if he was taking as much in as he could as he could inhale. The cigarette left his lips and he seemed to stare off into space. He breathed out the smoke slowly, taking the opportunity to fully embrace the moment. There seemed to be no air of urgency around this man at all. He just sat there, seemingly savoring every bit of his morning treat.

Before long, the embers crept up to the filter, and the man put out the cigarette on the ashtray. He stood up, stretched out and took a deep breath. As he exhaled, a keen eye would see his body settle into an extremely relaxed state. Deliberately slow, he began walking down the path to the side of the street and off he went on a walk.

Though it seemed he had no purpose, there was a definite destination. He walked leisurely and seemed to be in no rush. He picked out a path that would take him into town by passing the local school. As he enjoyed his walk, the crowds slowly began to fill the streets. Some were dressed in office clothes, heading into town for work. Looking sharp in a well pressed shirt, slacks and matching tie. Some were parents walking their children to school. Some of the older kids were walking in their groups, content without their parents to shepherd them to school.

It was a normal day by any definition. The man walked and walked, and as he neared the school, he saw a father and his child by the school gate. The man seemed to be comforting the child whose face was as if it was close to tears. The man paused in his step as he looked upon that scene.

~~~

It seemed but a few short moments ago,
My child, you had been reluctant, but relented.
I remember the warmth that was your hand,
You were afraid, but you were brave.

It seemed time flew by too fast,
My child, you were young, and you grew.
I saw every moment, I hope I had done enough,
Your father can't share all, but I wish it was enough.

I remember watching from among the crowd,
My child, I saw you weep, I must apologize.
From afar, I watched you age, I wish it was a lie,
And one day, I was the one weeping.

~~~

I snapped out of my brief day dreaming. I knew that I shouldn't have stared. I walked up to the pair and smiled warmly to the father.

"What seems to be the problem" I said to him.

The father responded as if tired, "He doesn't want to go to school, he forgot to do his homework"

A scene that seemed so familiar yet strangely distant. I turned to the child, a young boy of about 9 years of age. It really did seem like he forgot, and felt really bad about it, you could see the tears that barely checked themselves wet his eyes. "I'm not sure what's your name, but I do know one thing. If you go to school today, and honestly apologized to your teacher, she won't scold you. You might have to work on it straight away but I don't think she can be upset with you" I said to the boy.

The child looked to his father and then to me, once more to his father and back to me. He mumbled to me, "That's what dad sad, but I don't believe him. She's scary and mean.". I looked at his father who seemed to be at his wits end as to what he should do. It seemed to be it was his first child, if he had others he would have handled it like a pro.

I looked to the child, smiling the warmest smile I could, "Alright kid, I am sure she won't scold you but if she does, you make your dad get you a present, or you can come and bug me for ice cream or something. How's that ?". The child seemed to calm down at that, he turned to his dad and said, "Really, can I do that Dad?". The father, picking up on the hint, immediately answer in the affirmative. The child seemed to be happy with this and started to walk into the compound. As he was about to enter, he turns to me and shouts "You better promise me Mister, if she scolds me you owe me Ice Cream !". I chuckled at that and shouted back, "It's a deal !" as I waved him off.

I started to make a move and get back to my walk, but the father stopped me. "Thank you, I seemed to have blanked out for a bit there and didn't know what to do. You were a great help. What is your name Sir ?". I smiled at him and said "No problem, it was nothing much. It's normal, its always easier to butt into someone else's problems and help than it ever is to solve your own. I'm Ezekiel Azuma, but you can just call me Zeke. Anyways, I have to be off, there is somewhere I need to be."

"Thank you again Zeke, hopefully I can return the favor sometime. I hope not to keep you. It's been a pleasure meeting you." he said smiling. "And I you, may we meet again soon !" I replied as I began walking off.

I arrived at my destination not too long after, a homely looking cafe. It's somewhere that I frequent quite often. It has a good cook and the coffee is pretty good. They don't smokers that much as well, and they have an indoor smoking area. Perfect for someone like me. The door sign said open, so I let myself in and waved to the staff that by now, I was very familiar with. I walked over to the smoking area, and found a seat at a corner, one of the few tables in that part of the cafe.

The waitress walked over bringing a cup and holding a flask at what I could only guess at being coffee. With a warm smile, she put the cup on a saucer plate from the table and poured me a cup. "What are you having today Zeke ?" she asked in a tone that managed give off a warm professional feel.

"I'm thinking something classic, hmm, how about toast, sausages and scrambled eggs. The usual set I mean". I said, and I noted as she scribbled down the order on a pad of paper she had retrieved from her breast pocket. "Would that be all ?" she said and I nodded in the affirmative. She nodded back, smiled and brought the flask with her back to the counter. Well, you can always ask for more coffee here, and they were nice enough to leave the creamers, milk and sugar on the table for us to decide how we like our drink. I took a few teaspoons of sugar and mixed it into my coffee.

I pulled out my pack of smokes, fumbled for a cigarette and was about to light till I noticed there wasn't an ashtray on the table. I was about to raise my hand and ask for one but I saw the waitress from before coming to the table with an ashtray. I smiled at her and said, "You read my mind". She just smiled, waving it off with the words "Of course I'd know how a regular acts".

She left to start waiting on everyone else. I paid no more mind, and I lit my cigarette, I took the first puff in a long drag. I feel the smoke as it passed my lips and rushes down my throat into my lungs. I hold it for a brief moment and let it out really slowly. Enjoying the little things keeps me sane I suppose.

I took a sip of the coffee. Sweet, just the way I enjoyed it best, and I let my mind wander once more, Moments like this are the best to kick back and just let the mind do as it pleases.

~~~

The taste of raw flesh,
The warm blood flowing out of my mouth,
It wasn't long before I began cooking it,
It seemed to taste so much better than before.

Before the rise, there was life,
After the rise, we saw growth,
No other animal indulges in cooking,
And no other species has been so hedonistic. 

I remember my early meals, I don't want to,
I had no purpose for nutrition,
Nor sleep, nor water.
I just wanted to feel like all the others.

Before man, I had tried to bond with animals,
Before man, much did I long for company,
Before man, to eat was to feel like I was trying to survive,
After man, it was beyond that, and I lusted flavor.

~~~

The End

I hope you guys like the direction this is taking. Do tell me what you think in the comments !